A few days ago I had a conversation with my friend Danny. The ideas from this conversation have lingered & become the food for a majority of my thoughts as of late.
Danny spoke about relationship with God & more specifically about a relational idiosyncrasy that I often fail to comprehend- resting in the Lord.
What does that even mean to rest in the Lord? Is it just one of those cliché statements that some Christians derived from excerpts of scripture & is now manipulated to fit into any context desired by the user? Or is it genuine? Is it a valid concept, a realistic notion? Can you truly rest in God? And if so, how is it done? What does it look like? These were the questions that ran through my mind as Danny spoke.
Danny began describing what the Lord has been teaching him about resting in God & enjoying His presence. He learned that God does not require his children to constantly excel toward perfection in Him. Believers do not always need to be doing or performing in order to strengthen & build relationship with the Lord. As Danny recounted this glorious revelation, the most comforting notion formed in my head.
[cornerstone orphanage in budaka, uganda.]
My mind often processes through analogies. If I do not understand an idea or a feeling, I compare it to one with which I can relate. That usually does the trick. So as Danny spoke, my mind began to attribute the familiar concept of relationships with friends to this foreign proposal of rest in God. My thought processes was as follows:
My friends & I are in a relationship. God & I are in a relationship. I began to think: What is one way I know my relationship with someone has reached a whole new level? When I can sit & do nothing with them. When I can sit in a room doing absolutely nothing; yet, be perfectly content- we can enjoy each other's mere presence. I know my relationship with someone is solid when silence is no longer awkward, when our time spent together does not require extravagant entertainment, when co-existing doesn't mean continual effort. I know a relationship is real when I am at ease in their presence; there is no performance- I am at rest.
[snack time.]
My thought continued as I pictured some of my favorite times with friends. These were not times of grand events or glamorous activity; but rather times when life was simply communal. In the same stream of consciousness, I drew myself farther into this analogy. I saw myself overlooking the ocean, a cup of steaming coffee in hand, I am silent. In the chair next to me, God is comfortably settled, His divine body wrapped up in a oversized blanket. The ocean wind is fierce & whipping through our hair- it is winter after all. The sky is the most serene sort of grey. Again, I am quiet. My lips utter no semblance of flattery. My mind does not hasten to instigate impressing conversation. Both of our heads are fixated forward, our attention commanded by the crashing waves. But from the corner of my eye, I see a faint yet undeniable smile form on the face of God. I know His expression reflects His heart. To an onlooker this moment may seem anything but extravagant; but, we know otherwise. The Lord is smiling on me. He is content in my silence. I am content in His presence. We are living life together, simply communing. We are reveling in His awe inspiring creation. We are in relationship. I am at rest.
This fictional scenario of the Lord changed my life. I've heard people say it & I've read all the scriptures about the insignificance of good works in the light of salvation; but, still, in the deepest parts of me, I have somehow always been scrambling to be good enough for the Lord. I have forever correlated spirituality or intimacy with God with those seemingly gleaming from impressive scriptural revelations or those who are in a perpetual state of Christian notoriety.
We are a people who feel the constant need to do. We take action because the fulfillment of those actions often defines our worth. But our God is different. Our relationship with God is different. We are not required to impress Him. And just like we can find peace in the presence of our closest friends, we can find peace & rest in God.
So are all my questions answered? Not necessarily-I am still on this road to discovering all the nooks & crannies of life with Christ; but, I am one step closer in the journey & if I get tired, at least I can rest along the way.
It happened again today. Someone referred to me as a missionary.
Nearly 8 months into the race and that word, when used to define my being, still takes me by surprise. In recent months, my name has been attributed to far more ludicrous claims such as prophet, healer, angel, preacher, messenger, & magician. During one service the pastor requested I remove my shoes & walk the aisle before preaching in order to make the church ground holy. This of course was the same service where upon the completion of my sermon, the entire congregation formed a line to one by one take a photo with me as they eagerly shoved their babies into my arms. Africans sure do have an interesting perspective on the hierarchy of believers and the spiritual role of outsiders (that's a whole other story though). But even in the midst of all these seemingly outrageous attributions; missionary is the one that never fails to leave my head spinning.
Me, a missionary? Impossible.
A missionary is a middle-aged man with a scruffy beard and a pastel colored collared shirt. A missionary is a woman with an eighties style perm & an ankle-length jean skirt. A missionary is someone who has an exorbitant amount of abnormally well-behaved children all adorned with undeniably Biblical names that most likely begin with the same letter. A missionary is someone who has a Bible degree & whose names boast the prefixes pastor, reverend, or minister. A missionary is someone who gives up earthly possessions to move overseas & live a comfort-free life in some obscure village in the middle of nowhere. A missionary is someone who spends his days preaching & evangelizing. A missionary is a specific kind of person, divinely appointed, & more spiritual than the average Christian. Right?
Is this not the embodiment of a stereotypical missionary? If so, then how could I fall under such classification? Why would I ever want to?
Each time I was labeled a missionary my insides would cringe & send my mind into a spiral of thought, seeking to determine what this tag says about my identity. Then one day, God began to speak to me. "Jesse, from where are you deriving this skewed definition of a missionary? Is a missionary not simply one of my children living in love & purposefully pursing a life lived only to glorify my name?"
It was then that I realized a missionary is not defined by his location, by his amount of possessions, nor even by his biblical training. A missionary is not an exclusive title to only be achieved by the most devout & spiritually elite of Christians. The life of a missionary does not require long skirts & dusty village roads. The life of a missionary does not demand conventional evangelism or preaching. Rather, a missionary is defined by his heart, by his desire to live a life reflecting Christ's.
So what does that mean for you and for me? It means that we don't need mission trips or seminary. We don't need these things to spur us to greatness. We should no longer hide behind our identity as a "normal" Christian & leave the world changing up the "missionaries". Our homes, our workplaces, our communities, our churches, our families, our neighbors- they are our mission field.
If we truly follow the example of Christ, if He lives in us, if He guides our steps, then our entire life is one big mission trip.
I am a missionary.You are a missionary. We are missionaries. & that no longer makes me cringe.
Month 8 has arrived & our time in Mwanza, Tanzania has come to a close. Team Powerhouse is picking up & moving on to our final African destination- Uganda. Tanzania was a month full of preaching, fellowship, dancing, & endless amounts of adorable children. It is hard to think about Africa & not immediately be reminded of the abundant flocks of children smiling, laughing, & shouting "Mzungu" (the Swahili word for white person) from every street corner. Whether clinging relentlessly to my waist or intertwining their snot covered hands with mine, their joyous presence never got old. I am sure I will dedicate an entire blog in the future to display photos of their many faces; but, for now enjoy this wonderful video made by my teammates Katie & Emily. How can you not help but fall in love?
The following is an excerpt from a journal entry written after our safari in the Serengeti.
The day ended idyllically as we made our way to the park's exit. The setting sun, perfectly round, perfectly illuminating, slowly creep towards the sand & on its way cast stages of autumn hues on the barren plains. At special moments, the rays would hit the knobby branches of a solitary acacia reaching aimlessly toward the heavens, creating a still frame of an African quintessential. As the rocky road tossed my body around, my eyes remained fixed on the suns most epic of dissensions. Emotion & this overwhelming stream of magnificence welled within me. My mind danced with thoughts of life, death, & the unknown. I felt God & felt as though He himself was lowering the sun on a string- drawing it out- orchestrating dramatic lingerings to coincide exactly with the breaths of my heart. Music whispered into my ear "Lights will guide you home & ignite your bones"- those lyrics never held such meaning. Mind, body, heart, & soul- all stirring, all in harmonious tune, all consumed in a divine reverence. In that moment I felt paralyzed by a feeling of insignificance- so aware of my inability, of my humanity; yet, beyond cognizant of my intricate role & purpose in it all. I am just one person-a tiny spec of life, living, & breathing- thriving under a setting sun. But in my insignificance there is an undeniable greatness. There is a beating heart & a curious mind. There is a soul connected to something much greater than myself. So to me that setting sun was an analogy to my life. Dying for the day, erasing the past, entering into a transformative slumber only to rise again- radiant, new, & ready to light up the world.
Allow me to introduce you to Brian. He is the most hardworking man I have ever known. He is wise & has integrity beyond compare. He is a natural born leader. He has a charisma that draws people in- you cannot help but become engaged. He is smart, creative, & extremely determined. He values success & is a constant pursuer of excellence- in work, health, faith, & relationships. In every sector of his life, he can see the potential & strives for more. It is for this reason that many things around him flourish. He makes things happen. He is respected by many- his employees, friends, & family. He is admirable. But he is far more than a successful business owner or integral employer. He is a dedicated father, a faithful friend, a follower of Christ. He is a talented chef. On the weekend you could find him dancing around the kitchen, wife by his side, creating the most delicious of spreads- with the most elaborate plating, of course. His architectural mind does not allow him to enter a room without making a comment, in some way shape or form, regarding the layout or design. In fact, he has been known to rearrange the furniture in a hotel room to make the stay more enjoyable. He is mischievous & has a great sense of humor (although don't tell him I think so- it would blow my cover). If he could, he would spend all his days skiing & relaxing out West. He is a man of unfailing faith & has lived his life & raised his family to serve the Lord. He is a perfect example of grace, strength, & love. He is a mentor, a friend. He is my father.
Happy Birthday Padre!!! Hope it's the best. LOVE you & miss you.
Yes, it is true. I am shamelessly behind on my blogging. For those of you who have emailed or messaged, let this be your confirmation that I am indeed still alive. I could blame my communicational negligence on the sparse & agonizingly slow internet connection in Africa (which would be more than justifiable) or I could just be honest & say that I am spent.
For some reason, over the past month, I have found it unusually difficult to write. This, however, is no indication of my current emotional or physical state. I am doing great. I am growing. I am learning. I am, daily, being stretched beyond my once narrow view of my own capabilities. It's incredible really.
I think what it comes down to is the fact that I am learning so much & at such an escalated pace that the processing stage is stalling, or lagging behind rather. So beg my pardon & bear with me while my mind finds its way into the present. And for now, let these pictures step in where my words fail.
[lanny & her 2 favorite kenyans.]
[sweet emmie & the bishop.]
[emmie got baptized!!!]
[friends at the indian ocean.]
[kids in the market.]
[speaking at the open-air event in the marketplace.]
Sitting on the edge of Lake Victoria, I find it hard to believe I have made it to Tanzania. Seven months into the race & I am still in tact, still sane, & still beyond excited to be here. In fact, I often feel that my excitement & appreciation for the race grows daily.
Last month was challenging; but, ultimately rewarding. Although I was sick, I truly enjoyed my time in Nairobi & the relationships I was able to build. I was blessed to be able to spend a good 10 days with my team doing ministry in Mpeketoni. A blog full of pictures documenting that time is coming soon; but, for now please enjoy this video made by my wonderful teammate, Katie.
In life, things don't always go according to plan. No surprise there, right?
While this concept is most certainly not a new one, it has become more prevalent in my life on the race. I've learned that changes in plans are inevitable; but it's not the change that is important but rather how you choose to perceive the change that really matters.
So far, pretty much nothing about this month has gone according to plan. I never expected to get sick. I never expected to be stuck in Nairobi. I never expected to be away from my team. Initially, I was pretty bummed that I wasn't where I was "supposed" to be. But after a few lonely days, some tears, frustration, prayer, & numerous series of events, I realized something huge. God has plans for me. He knows what I need. So when things happen & when plans change, when you get sick in Kenya & get stranded from your team- it's ok. Because where God has you, regardless of the circumstances, is right where you are supposed to be.
I've realized that if I truly believe that & start living accordingly, life just got a whole lot better. It takes the pressure off. I can worry less. I can focus on what is actually happening not what I think should be happening.
I don't know about you. But, to me, that kind of life sounds pretty appealing.
The beautiful girls in these pictures are just two examples of God's better plan for me this month. Ruth & Mari work at Milimani Backpackers, the hostel where I have lived for the past 3 weeks. They are simply amazing. For weeks they made sure I was comfortable & nursed me back to health. But far more than their compassion & care, I have been blessed with their friendship. Mari & Ruth are bright, joyous, & deeply loving individuals. Our conversations are always filled with laughter & I have beyond enjoyed my time with them- I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Lana is a deeply sarcastic yet passionately loving girl from Trussville, Alabama. I guarantee she'd kick your butt in a karaoke battle- the only stipulation being that she wasn't fed any pine nuts beforehand ( she's deathly allergic). She ends most sentences with the word "trust". (For example: Been there done that. Trust.).On a normal day in America you could find her driving around Birmingham, windows down, music blaring & her beloved Avery (the girl she nanny's)in tow. Her favorite people in the world are her two sisters, Haley & Jenn. Listening to the three of them interact is quite amusing. Lana has a beautiful story of a life redeemed & it is absolutely incredible to watch her earnest pursuit of the Lords will. Boldness, wisdom, & discernment are just a few of her strengths on a list of many. She has an uncanny ability to know what I am thinking. Lana was my first & is my best World Race friend. She is my tiny piece of home that makes my heart feel at ease. She is convinced Tupac is still alive & in her dreams, they are married.
[danny stinson]
Danny is... well let's just say he is way cooler than you'd expect a kid from Kansas to be. Ha! OK, in all seriousness he is great. Daniel Nolan is a bright, energetic, econ- enthusiast with a magnetic personality. He brings life into a room. You just can't help wanting to be around him. Some of his favorite topics for discussion include: economics, God, & his mom's chocolate chip cookies. Combine all three into one conversation & this boy is in heaven- the trifecta to his heart. Danny once reprimanded me for not knowing the alphabet & subsequently corrected me by laying out the "proper" order of the letters: Q, U, R, S, T, U- he was wrong. Grammar isn't his strong suit. DanDan is an all around quality guy. He is determined. He is driven. He is genuine & has a passion for the Lord that is to be revered. Danny has this particular way of pushing me past myself. His appreciation for Anchorman, dancing, & fake mustaches keep me sane. I wish I had a dollar for every time we said the same thing at the same time- I'd be drinking a lot more Starbucks.
[katie swan]
'
Katie Marie Swan is a beautiful & adventurous nurse from Chicago, Illinois. She was born & raised in Minnesota so she says crazy things like BEEEG (bag), RUT (root), & HAM-MOCK (hammock). If you look up simplistic living in the dictionary, Katie's picture will be there with the caption "perfect example." Never in my life have I met someone who is so flexible, easy going & selfless. Katie's ideal day would consist of reading her Bible, going on a crazy motorcycle adventure with her hubby, & cooking some incredibly obscure; yet surprisingly appetizing feast from scratch with her roommates Dan & Stacia- whom she ever so adores. At age 17, her heart was filled to its brim with a love for Christ & missions & she hasn't rested since. She is the most constant & steady pursuer of the Lord that I have ever known. Katie is the epitome of a true servant & I admire her so much. She is also a vegetarian- we don't share meals at restaurants.
[billy swan]
Bill or Billsie is my fearless leader & our dear Katie's male counterpart. He is probably the most impressive fusion of mature adult & irritating adolescent to have ever existed. One moment he is offering vital life counsel & the next, in true little brother fashion, he is tackling you to the ground. Bill, like his wife Katie, attended Moody Bible Institute & as result is a fountain of biblical wisdom. He has a deep love for motorcycle riding & spent his childhood days nearly escaping death on numerous occasions. If you are ever in need of some competition, Bill is your man. Competitiveness runs through his blood- he was a Bible Quizzing prodigy after all. Bill is a natural born leader. He possesses the unique ability to bring life out of people. Bill drives me crazy on a daily basis by disorganizing my things or drawing tiny marks on random pages in my journal. Bill also makes me a better person. He is the older brother I never had & I wouldn't want to do the race under anyone's leadership but his. Also I don't think he has ever backed down from a dare- but for his wife's sake, please don't test him.
[emily simpson]
Emily is a compassionate & vivacious interior designer from Charlotte, North Carolina. An artist at heart-talent & creativity seep from her every seam. I'm always curious to hear Emily's perspective on a situation, because it is sure to be 1,000 times more interesting than my own. She is most content surrounded by friends, design magazine in hand, & with some funky accessory on her arm. Emily has the astounding "ability" to "understand" & "communicate" in any language- or so she likes to believe. You can often find her in the midst of a seemingly normal & engaging conversation with a local. One problem- the local is speaking in foreign tongue & Emily is smiling, nodding, & carrying on in English as she deems fit. It is one of the most amusing sites to witness. Emily has a true gift of empathy & uses it beautifully to exemplify Christ's love. She is a constant encouragement to me & never fails to brighten my day by accompanying me in silliness. Emily's signature dance move is one resembling the Karate Kids "wax on wax off" routine- it's quite entertaining.
[kelly williams]
Kelly is a fiery & passionate hair dresser from Mt. Pleasant, Texas. Everywhere Kelly goes, she will make a friend. If we leave her alone for a second, she returns with a strangers' life story. It's one of her most endearing qualities. Her smile is light, she simply radiates warmth. Kelly is the mother of two beautiful daughters, Macall & Bailey- whom she praises constantly in proper motherly affection. Kelly has a magical backpack. She has somehow managed to keep all belonging she originally packed, has purchased at LEAST 2 items of clothing in each country, has acquired most of our teams discarded items, & somehow still manages to close her bag & not pay airline weight overage charges. Her bag has become known as "Narnia"- it's incredible really. Kelly is a strong, bold, & remarkably confident woman who every day falls deeper into the love of God. She brings the fun out in me & I am inspired by her genuine desire to be constantly growing. Kelly is a shockingly talented bowler. She insists it's luck- I think she's a secret professional.
I can still remember the night at World Race training camp when teams were announced. Jimmy McCarty, the director, stood on stage & with a giant smile on his face said "look around you, these 6 people are your new family."
At the time, I laughed. There was no way these people would be my family. We were all too different. Sure, I'd like them. I'd do my best to get along with them. Both of which would be in my best interest considering they would be my travel companions for the next 11 months; but, as far as family was concerned- I already had one & was not in search for another.
Even after the race began, the word family was thrown around in reference to my team & each time I brushed it off leaving the terminology for the more cheesy & cliche appreciative of racers. But over the past 7 days, as I've sat in my solitude of sickness, I have begun to mull over this idea of family.
Family is a unit of persons established by no appointment of their own. You are, generally speaking, born into your family- it is not something which you have the liberty to select. Within families, personalities clash, opinions differ, altercations occur; but, at the end of the day you still love them. You don't leave. You don't run away. When someone messes up, you forgive them. You celebrate with them in the joyous times & support them in the hard times.
Friends come & go; but, family stays. Family is constant.
I've wandered aimlessly around this backpacker's complex for days, trying to identify why I felt so restless. Something was wrong, something was missing. Then, in an instant, I knew. What I felt was longing. I desired so badly to be with my team-my infuriating, irritating, & ever incessant team. Because in their relentless presence there is comfort, guidance, acceptance, growth, laughter, joy, balance, freedom, life & love. With them, I am home.
So count me in. Chalk me up as a lover all things cliche, because I've crossed over to the dark side. You might not hear me shouting it from the rooftops (a girls got to maintain some cool); but know that in my heart I have 6 new additions to an already stunning repertoire of family.
Something great I'm learning about the heart is that it's expandable. There always seems to be room for more.
Stay tuned for the next post when I'll bring you home to meet the family....
'
